The great U. S. of A.

Okay so Margaret was working on a writing prompt for a contest: what does it mean to be an American. While she was able to say lots of things like "Being American means everyone has equal rights and we are all part of a community." And all I could think was.....

1. It means that when you land in America you can be sure to see a Starbucks.
2. It means that when you go to the gym, you'll feel like an underachiever even though you are there trying.
3. It means that you won't get the financial aid you need for school and you'll probably be broke and eating Ramen for a few too many years.
4. It means that you get to have neighborhood BBQs and shoot fireworks at powerlines to see what will happen on the Forth of July.
5. It means that around Christmas time, everyone is a little nicer and all the old men with white beards better play out a Santa act.
6. It means that wearing camo year round is an acceptable fashion statement.
7. It means that if you go on private land, you might get shot.
8. It means that you can sue McDonalds if you are stupid and spill hot coffee on yourself.
9. It means that if you hate your husband, putting his finger in Wendy's chili is a good idea.
10. It means that when there is no football on Sunday afternoons, you are stuck watching Desperate Housewives and thanking God your life isn't that twisted.
11. It means that TV shows about pregnant teenagers are cool and probably you should join a pregnancy pact with 14 of your 14 year old friends.
12. It means that you can go into any branch of your bank, in any city, and cancel your account.
13. It means that when you see a man so wide that he has to walk down a Costco aisle sideways, you just smile and act like that's normal.
14. It means that when you go back to your elementary school to see your favorite teacher you have to check in at the office in case you are some pedophile creepo.
15. It means that you can carry a gun around in your bag in case someone tries to grope you, rob you, shoot you, insult you, etc.
16. It means you have to select English when calling an 800 number.
17. It means you still might not be able to communicate with the person on the line cause Dell employees are all from India or Mexico (or Louisiana) and you can't understand a word they say.
18. It means you can get whatever you want fried, smothered, or dipped in chocolate.
19. It means that you are obliged to like country music or pretend like you do so that you are patriotic. Or you have to be liberal and like weed. One of those prolly.
20. It means you can be obsessed with being from Ireland when in reality, only your grandparents were truly Irish and probably 75% of Americans are Irish so who really cares.
21. It means that the other 25% are secretly judged. Although I don't think police seek them out since in my experience police seem to flag gingers more harshly.
22. It means if you have red hair, you are ginger.
23. It means if you are blonde, you are probably going to hear a ton of stupid jokes and be hit on a lot.
24. It means that if you are balding, there are excessive numbers of products such as Rogain on TV to help you. Then your kids can ride around on your shoulders and use your hair to hold on. Since you still have it.
25. It means that you must care about Brad, Angelina, Obama, Britney, Lindsey, etc.
26. It means that you can have an opinion, and aside from the people around you who get offended, nobody will tell you that you are not allowed to talk. And if they do tell you that, then maybe you need new friends with more similar opinions. For example, I certainly wouldn't tell a group of obese people that I think they shouldn't buy $68 dollars of chocolate but should invest in a gym membership and some lettuce.
27. It means that when you are 16 you'll probably get a car, which you'll probably crash and your parents will probably get you a new one.
28. It means your mom probably has Botox.
29. It means that if you are a guy you are worried you don't weigh enough, and if you are a girl you are worried you weigh too much.
30. It means that you can either cheat, lie or steal your way through your education, job, relationships. Not to say that is a good thing, but it seems effective based off who ends up being CEOs and such.
31. It means that Stephanie Mayer is our one super famous author (at the moment, sorry John Steinbeck, despite the totally GRIPPING Grapes of Wrath, your reign is done.) which is also fairly sad because her literary abilities blow. So therefore it means we should now count JK Rowling as an honorary American.
32. It means you can now brag about David Beckham being ours. Yummo.
33. It means Posh Spice will never stop being a legend, even to those of us who weren't allowed to listen to her in case she would corrupt us. But if that is how you get landed with Beck, I should take lessons from her.
34. It means that french fries are your favorite food. Don't lie.
35. 
    

Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony

When I was little I used to lose things. A lot. Not much has really changed, but I have come to utilize a particular finder of lost things: Saint Anthony. Well, Saint Anthony and my mom. They are virtually one and the same. But I'll split them up for your sake, since chances are you can't utilize my mother for finding your lost things.

Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony, please come around, for something has been lost and cannot be found. That is what you chant as you are searching for your lost item. It becomes irritating about three rounds in, and when your little sister insists on doing it before school while you sleep off cough medicine with codeine can induce extreme thoughts of pillow smothering. My host mom (Tete, for those of you who don't know) said that you have to offer Saint Anthony a bit of a bribe... she goes with five euro to his offering box in a cathedral. Mayte, the assistant director in my study abroad program, suggested giving two euro to the next homeless person you see. Since Steamboat lacks both a cathedral and our only homeless person committed suicide by jumping in front of two high school girls in a car, I will have to come up with a new way to bribe him. Perhaps I could give five bucks to an emo kid in need of a milkshake. Or I would feed a car meter if we had those. Perhaps I will pay off my library fines or stop stealing the books.

If Saint Anthony fails to come through for you, here is the best advice in the book, straight from the mother's mouth:

It's under your bed. Simple as that. I promise that no matter how frustrating that is after you have sifted through sock drawers, backpacks, makeup bags, or cheerio boxes, whatever you are looking for is under your bed.

And here is the worst piece of searching advice I have been given: Where did you last have it? Uhm. If I know that, would I be SEARCHING FOR IT FRANTICALLY RIGHT NOW? NO.

Oh wait, another prime piece of advice: It will be in the last place you look.

If you are intentionally being annoying (or are my mother) try using that one on me and see how you feel after I verbally assault you in Spanish.

Just look under your bed. And if it isn't there, give up. Finding it will be like trying to convince Lindsey Lohan to stop running her live down the drain while speeding up the process by stealing necklaces she can afford to just buy.

When you leave the Lichtenfels girls alone for too long.

To start us off

When I was nine I started swim team. Back in the "olden days" of my swimmer years, practice started at 6:30 in the morning, and we rode our bikes to practice, up hill both ways (okay well down hill on the way there, but what sense did that make when I was biking uphill to go home after three hours of Finish spoken torture done by my coach Essi.)

Each morning, we were asked a few vital questions:

1. Did you take your Juice Plus?

2. Did you eat breakfast?

3. Where is your water bottle?

and most importantly

4. Why is your chest bare?

Now don't take that the wrong way, it wasn't that she was worried about our modesty. We were swimmers, after all, and I blame that for what my mother calls immodest behavior involving me walking around in undies regularly. Luckily I learned that my future roommate for the coming fall also enjoys a lack of clothing, so perhaps if the economy stays like this we shall join a nudist colony following college. Although I have thought of that and decided the only nudist colony I'd want to join would be one exclusively involving celebrities and models, with the exception of myself obviously.

The first three questions are pretty standard: take your vitamins, drink water, eat breakfast, yeah yeah yeah. But the fourth one I found to be pretty pointless. According to Essi, the second your chest is bare in cold weather, you will get sick. Upon arriving to Spain I was subject to the same tirade of questions from my host mom. It turns out that the theory is not simply embedded into the Finish mind of Essi, but into Europeans in general. Luckily for them, scarves are a must have fashion staple. And luckily for me I am prone to addiction and following fashion trends set forth by people with a better fashion taste than my own, which involves lots of fleece and jeans and tank tops. I left for Spain with four scarves and returned with 14.

You know those dreams you have where you forget to put on your pants and show up at school? I have those a lot. Normally I am about six years old, show up at Soda Creek Elementary and realize that I not only forgot my pants but also my undies. The dream-me progresses to hide under the playground structure all day while it rains. My return to America has been very much like that dream, but in reverse. I see people without scarves and immediately feel the urge to scream at them: YOU WILL GET A COLD AND DIE, PIENSA IDIOTA, QUE HACES???? What are you thinking?! Go home and get your scarf right this second.

You are naked without a scarf. So go invest in a few, because within three weeks of being home I am on an antibiotic for a cough I can't kick and each night I hear Tete yelling at me "NO HAS LLEVADO UN FULAR." You have not worn your scarf! Shame. On. You.