The great U. S. of A.

Okay so Margaret was working on a writing prompt for a contest: what does it mean to be an American. While she was able to say lots of things like "Being American means everyone has equal rights and we are all part of a community." And all I could think was.....

1. It means that when you land in America you can be sure to see a Starbucks.
2. It means that when you go to the gym, you'll feel like an underachiever even though you are there trying.
3. It means that you won't get the financial aid you need for school and you'll probably be broke and eating Ramen for a few too many years.
4. It means that you get to have neighborhood BBQs and shoot fireworks at powerlines to see what will happen on the Forth of July.
5. It means that around Christmas time, everyone is a little nicer and all the old men with white beards better play out a Santa act.
6. It means that wearing camo year round is an acceptable fashion statement.
7. It means that if you go on private land, you might get shot.
8. It means that you can sue McDonalds if you are stupid and spill hot coffee on yourself.
9. It means that if you hate your husband, putting his finger in Wendy's chili is a good idea.
10. It means that when there is no football on Sunday afternoons, you are stuck watching Desperate Housewives and thanking God your life isn't that twisted.
11. It means that TV shows about pregnant teenagers are cool and probably you should join a pregnancy pact with 14 of your 14 year old friends.
12. It means that you can go into any branch of your bank, in any city, and cancel your account.
13. It means that when you see a man so wide that he has to walk down a Costco aisle sideways, you just smile and act like that's normal.
14. It means that when you go back to your elementary school to see your favorite teacher you have to check in at the office in case you are some pedophile creepo.
15. It means that you can carry a gun around in your bag in case someone tries to grope you, rob you, shoot you, insult you, etc.
16. It means you have to select English when calling an 800 number.
17. It means you still might not be able to communicate with the person on the line cause Dell employees are all from India or Mexico (or Louisiana) and you can't understand a word they say.
18. It means you can get whatever you want fried, smothered, or dipped in chocolate.
19. It means that you are obliged to like country music or pretend like you do so that you are patriotic. Or you have to be liberal and like weed. One of those prolly.
20. It means you can be obsessed with being from Ireland when in reality, only your grandparents were truly Irish and probably 75% of Americans are Irish so who really cares.
21. It means that the other 25% are secretly judged. Although I don't think police seek them out since in my experience police seem to flag gingers more harshly.
22. It means if you have red hair, you are ginger.
23. It means if you are blonde, you are probably going to hear a ton of stupid jokes and be hit on a lot.
24. It means that if you are balding, there are excessive numbers of products such as Rogain on TV to help you. Then your kids can ride around on your shoulders and use your hair to hold on. Since you still have it.
25. It means that you must care about Brad, Angelina, Obama, Britney, Lindsey, etc.
26. It means that you can have an opinion, and aside from the people around you who get offended, nobody will tell you that you are not allowed to talk. And if they do tell you that, then maybe you need new friends with more similar opinions. For example, I certainly wouldn't tell a group of obese people that I think they shouldn't buy $68 dollars of chocolate but should invest in a gym membership and some lettuce.
27. It means that when you are 16 you'll probably get a car, which you'll probably crash and your parents will probably get you a new one.
28. It means your mom probably has Botox.
29. It means that if you are a guy you are worried you don't weigh enough, and if you are a girl you are worried you weigh too much.
30. It means that you can either cheat, lie or steal your way through your education, job, relationships. Not to say that is a good thing, but it seems effective based off who ends up being CEOs and such.
31. It means that Stephanie Mayer is our one super famous author (at the moment, sorry John Steinbeck, despite the totally GRIPPING Grapes of Wrath, your reign is done.) which is also fairly sad because her literary abilities blow. So therefore it means we should now count JK Rowling as an honorary American.
32. It means you can now brag about David Beckham being ours. Yummo.
33. It means Posh Spice will never stop being a legend, even to those of us who weren't allowed to listen to her in case she would corrupt us. But if that is how you get landed with Beck, I should take lessons from her.
34. It means that french fries are your favorite food. Don't lie.
35.