Cold feet

I grew up listening to the Dixie Chicks. The song "Ready to Run" was the Runaway Bride borrow theme song to my idea of love.... riding away on a horse in a wedding dress, but somehow ending up happy at the same time. It seems silly that tonight, as I sat contemplating what amount of honesty was necessary for myself and for dating, that Sex and the City told me exactly what I needed to hear: "Sometimes, the most difficult yet interesting relationship we have, is with ourself." Amen, Carrie Bradshaw. Amen.

It seems that regardless of what date is taken, what text is exchanged or what movie is "watched" we all end up going to sleep at night questioning what we want. We. Ourself. What do me, myself, and I want. Yet do we really ever listen to that? And if we do, is that selfish or is that honest. That is the dilemma. My sister asked me a few weeks ago if I believed there really was the "one" out there for each person. As I thought about it over the next few days I thought about all the strange and gawky couples that come in with their often ginger children and are totally in love. Even after sleepless nights, baby vomit, and years of being together, they are happy. Yet divorce rates are through the roof and it seems that our generation is asking the question: is there anyone out there who will understand, appreciate or accept the fact that I am who I am?

Now, I will be honest and inform you (if you don't know me, which you probably do because you few are the only ones still reading this) that I am extremely independent, get stressed out and furious over small things, have rage issues involving laundry and losing things, and would probably physically assault a large number of people if it wouldn't hinder my career opportunities or put a mark on my police record. I love being in charge. And you know what? At the same time, I want a guy who is able to be straight forward about what he wants as well. If I know, so should he.

Jenna Marbles put out a video (PS this part is a little explicit Mom, and does not refer directly to my own life do not fear) talking about how she wishes we could cut the bull and have a new social networking site on which you simply say "Oh, I would do ( ) with this person" and you can so "Oh wow, if the situation presented itself, she/he'd let me go to second base." Virtually all of our issues with "Does he like me too much" or "Where is this going" would be fixed. And yet we are left sitting at home asking ourselves if we are selfish, or just confused.

My sister, in one of her brilliant moments where she put into words what I couldn't think of but needed to, said: Love is the one thing in which we need to be completely selfish. If you don't know what you want and expect it, you will never be happy.

Touche. Yet then until you find the infamous and evil "one" you are left sleeping alone at night with cold feet. And maybe your feet are cold because you can't take a risk or because, like me, you are stressed and busy and can't deal with having that on your new iPhone schedule. While blaming my grande white mocha for keeping me up, perhaps it is that instead of focusing on my own mental health after a 12 hour work day, I stayed up thinking about a boy and a dilemma. After six months of thinking about myself in Spain, I came home and have realized that while we need to focus on ourselves, it seems to be a pattern that we focus on someone else. Regardless, I am still a firm believer in both Carrie and Emma's promotion of our own self relationship and loyalty, so if that means we have cold feet now and then, maybe it just means we need to have a hot bubble bath or pedicure.